why write now?
releasing doubts and embracing transitions
what do you get when society has knocked a young, aspiring visionary off of their destined path? a lost spirit, scurrying to find their way back home. this project has been 5+ years in the making…so why now? because i am finally confident enough to get back to myself
and here’s 3 reasons why:
my purpose won’t leave me alone
i first started writing poetry in elementary school – back when Barack Obama got elected in fourth grade and P.S. 276 selected my poem to be sent with others to the white house. i believe that was all of the confirmation i needed. enough to know i had a gift. however, it did not stop there. middle school continued to nurture my writing habit, as my 6th & 7th grade english teacher, Mr. Cearley, required us to read approximately one book per week and write essays by hand (on the front and back of the loose leaf). ironically, i stumbled upon my writing book from Mr. Cearley’s class a few months ago. in it, i found a proclamation of what i deemed to be my destiny. placed next to a sketched self-portrait of me (with straight hair for some reason) was a quote bubble that stated:
“i will be a teacher and a poet”.
till this day – i am not quite sure who told me i could even do so?
why is it that this 13+ year old book popped into my life when i am now nearly twice the age from when i wrote it? simple – i have finally decided to accept that my purpose is chasing me.
i lost the cell phone calling me to pursue writing a long time ago and it came back to find (cc: haunt) me again.
failing and failing forward
growing up in brooklyn, i’d say ice skating was a pretty common pastime in our childhood. my friends and i spent a lot of time at the Aviator Sports ice skating rink right near KP (iykyk). i did not particularly know how to roller skate because the nearest one was in queens and no one had a car to take us that far.
fast forward to my adult years, i no longer ice skate as much as i used to. i eventually dabbled in roller skating because i figured it couldn’t be harder than sliding on ice with ridiculously thin blades. not too long ago, i went on a date to an ice skating rink even though i hadn’t ice skated in over a year. my heart and body knew that we could skate, but as per usual, my mind continued to psych us out. stepping unto the freshly re-surfaced ice for the first time, my one and only thought was:
“girl, do not bust your ass in front of your date”.
everyone seemed to be able to professionally skate and i automatically psyched myself out. even the younger kids got to use those assisted pulleys and i thought to myself:
“would i be pathetic if i just used one?”
nonetheless, i pep talked myself and we agreed to stay close to the railing, chop-walk the ice and simply, do. not. fall. at some point, my date began to run circles around me. out of pity, she started to chauffeur me around by her belt loops like we were in a 2010 disney movie (think – troy & gabriella during HSM 2, but queer). after experiencing the freedom whisking around the rink gave me, i quickly asked my date to teach me how to skate with such confidence. her response:
“you just need to pick your feet up and actually push off” — what i truly heard was: “you actually need to try…”
as time passed, i watched my date test out new tricks, fall and quickly recover while laughing it off. me being the intellectual i am, i saw a lesson in this. besides being grateful that i wasn’t the one to fall first, i realized — you could know how to skate AND STILL bust your ass! for the remainder of our session i pondered how i could skate more effortlessly. when in reality, i hadn’t been actively trying to skate at all. i was just stuck in my head about not falling and embarrassing myself. once my date fell first, it suddenly clicked:
you could know how to do something and still fail…you just need to fail forward.
simply put: practice makes progress. (cc: 12 p’s)
society made me do it (a.k.a — left me no choice)
if you let me tell it, my hand was simply forced.
see, the american dream trains us as youth to believe there is only one true path to success. i call it the “safety fall”. we are told that in order to achieve success and financial stability, we must go to college and then get a job. well – i did. i got the two degrees, made the high figures, got the health benefits, new city, new life, yet still – sadness. conforming to societal standards has led me to a daily dose of anxiety meds, often unable to socialize, all while experiencing severe disconnection from my core community.
i have attempted therapy, traveled for breaks, created a routine, personalized my living space, gone back to school, re-established my community, reconnected with family and even searched for other job opportunities – yet the past few years have still left me unfulfilled. so my hand has been forced.
and now, you see.
an unsettled spirit of mine,
has no place in this world.
i desire peace
and fulfillment of my purpose
on this earth.
that purpose?
is to heal,
over here.so yeah, we healing over here. i hope y’all are strapped in + ready for the ride!
peace.
love, mk
your healing partner in crime ❤